Intimate Communion Magazine Social Courting Relationship And Sex Questions Issue 21
By Ange Fonce
And welcome to this edition of The Intimate Communion Magazine... Readers Questions.... where I answer questions from you about love... sex... relationships... men... and women sent to me via e mail... as always... you can comment on any one of these questions... and offer up your opinion using the comments box at the end of this article.
The questions I reply in this issue to are...
What to say if he shows you his cucumber?
A Romance Horror story.
How to know if he's THE ONE?
I KNOW my best friends partner is "Cheating"
So let us get on with the first question... READ ON..
QUESTION from Stefanie who asks me...
"Dear Ange, please help! I've been doing online dating lately trying to find some nice guys to go out with. I'm no prude or anything (I love sex with the right guy) but it seems like every time I meet a guy online he almost IMMEDIATELY sends me a picture of his cucumber. What the hell?
Why do guys do that? What kind of reaction are they expecting? Hasn't anybody SOCIALIZED these guys. Aren't there any guys out there who are actually interested in dating and meeting a nice girl or are they just looking to hook up?"
Thank you for contacting me... and your question... and giving me the opportunity to talk about a serious problem afflicting dating sites... and cell phones throughout the world.
I am talking, of course... about the Dick Pic epidemic... and yes Stef I have had this one myself a couple of years back writing my reply to you has reminded me that even I have had this one... a guy sent me a picture with a full hard on... crazy stuff!
Across America... Europe... Asia... heck... across the whole world millions of men are sending millions of dick pics to millions... and millions... of women... and even other men... OK if you are into the same sex maybe... yet straight men???
And it has got to stop.
Dick Pic-itis... that is the Ange Fonce name for it... is a serious problem... so let us quickly cover WHY such guys feel the need to show you their junk like a prized buck they killed in the wild . . . and EXACTLY how you... as a woman who is trying to meet a decent man.. and get to know him BEFORE seeing his trouser snake should handle it . . .
Why He Wants To Show You His Cucumber?
I will share with you a psychological concept called... "Projective Empathy."
The short version of..."Projective Empathy"... is that we as humans have a tendency to assume that other people think the same... react the same... and want the same things we do.
This means that women tend to assume that men think like women... an example being...
"If I said 'nothing' when he asked me what I was thinking about it would actually mean I was really mad and was hiding something so HE must be hiding something."
And it means men have the tendency to assume that women have the same crazy surface level libido... and addiction to visual stimulation that most men do... what is going through these guy's minds is...
"If a woman I barely knew sent me a picture of her naked breasts I'd be REALLY happy about it..."
And then he grabs his cell phone... and shoves it down his pants... and hits send... what he is HOPING will happen by the way... is that you will see his cucumber will have a magical... hypnotic effect on you... that just the sight of it will unhook the rational parts of your mind... and turn you into a ravenous sex fiend... that the image of his beautiful... wonderful cucumber will become an obsession for you... that you will crawl over broken glass to see it in person.. that you will WANT it... and maybe even the guy attached to it... more than you want air... food... water... shelter... or love... he is hoping you will really... really like his dick... and that by showing it to you he will get to skip all the courting... romancing... and foreplay to get right to the sex.
Tangentially... this actually works for gay guys... gay guys send dick pics... chest pics... and other stuff all the time which often leads directly to a hook up.
Now... this fantasy is DUMB... and the vast majority of these guys would NEVER send a dick pic to a woman they barely knew if the damned internet did not make it so incredibly easy to be a pervert... you asked in your question...
"Aren't there any guys out there who are actually interested in dating and meeting a nice girl or are they just looking to hook up?"
And the answer is.. “kind of”... and YES there is some real Men out there.
With online dating in particular you are going to find a lot of guys who ARE looking for a nice girl to court... and get to know better... maybe even marry... have kids... and buy a home with... they are ALSO looking to hook up if they can... these are not mutually exclusive ideas... especially in the mind of a guy... and JUST because a guy sends you a dick pic does not NECESSARILY mean he is a shallow perv.
He MIGHT be a really nice guy who is totally... "Boyfriend Material"... or he MIGHT be a total creep weirdo... so how do you handle it when a guy sends you a... "Dick Pic"... WAY too early?
Well... you have got some options... here is a whole bunch of... "Dick-pic-itis"... destroying responses... some of these are from amazing women I know....
1. "Oh, it's so CUTE!!! Does it come in a larger size?"
2. Send him a picture of your elbow... when he responds say... "I thought we were playing the body part game. I want to see the heel of your left foot next."
3. "What is that? It looks like a cucumber but smaller."
4. "Um. Wow.... I don't know how to tell you this. I actually trained to be a nurse and you NEED to have that looked at right away. I'm so sorry."
5. "Oh, I've always wanted something to put my Barbie clothes on." Be careful with this one, some guys are really "kinky!"
6. "Where's the rest of the hand? All I see is a pinky."
7. "Oh, thank God. My last boyfriend had a big one and I just don't think I could handle that again. Your small size."
8. "Here's mine:" Send him a picture of a MUCH bigger cucumber.
Be creative in your response Stef... if the guy's really a creep you can also just delete him... block him... and move on with your life... if you send one of these lines... and the guy actually manages to reply in a witty and interesting way he MIGHT still be worth talking to.
If he gets mad... weird... or ashamed... move on.
For the guys reading this... DO NOT SEND DICK PICS TO WOMEN YOU BARELY KNOW.
No woman wants to see your cucumber unless she knows she is the one who... "inspired"... your erection... and she is already attracted to you... and is a mutual thing between you both.
And now for the BIG question for this issue... I usually do not post questions this long...this one is pretty amazing...
QUESTION... Jennifer asks me...
"Hi Ange, my name is Jennifer.
My question for you is I have been dating this guy for a while and we started with a phone relationship we live in two different states. He always talks about ex girlfriends...but one more than the others. I found out he sends cards to this one ex for all occasions even their old anniversary.
He gives her money for her son for school clothes and his b-day about $250 dollars every Sept. And still takes this ex (his first love) on vacations.
While I was dating him on the phone long distance red flags were always going up....but of course I started falling in love with this guy.
So I went to finally meet up with him to come stay with him for a few weeks and when I got there as soon as I walked in the door there was a shrine of pics all over his wall unit of his ex and pics of them together through the years and photo albums of her & his trips that he has taken her on even after they even broke up. I was outraged cuz I thought how disrespectful of him to do that to me...he knew I was coming. (for that matter!) He tried to explain that they're JUST FRIENDS and I've got nothing to worry about. When I went into his house he even had a box with her name on it with all the stuff she has given him over the years it was right out where I could see it.
I put it in the back of my mind and spent the rest of the two weeks with him and everything was good...that we wanted to move into together.
So I pack up and moved in with him.
In the mean time I found out that he has saved every email she has wrote him in a personal file with her name on it on his computer. Also found out he left his house to her also...not his family. (BTW is now the house I live in with him)
He continued to text and write her while we were together...saying you'll see she's JUST a FRIEND. It made me real unsure about us. And I didn't understand how he could do that to me?
So I left him for a couple of months...but he made me all kinds of promises that he would wipe this person away from our lives. So I went back to him and I still didn't feel safe with him holding my heart. So much resentment built up with me and how he could be so careless I thought with my heart. So we fought a lot about those issues...other wise the rest of our life was great!
But I still didn't feel he was my soft place to fall. A lot of Jealousy I have now...because of him.
Which I have never been a jealous person really before him.
Ok here is my question I have left him again and he is making promise to me that it will be different. I love him so much and only think of just him...but I don't know if I should go back to him?
My heart telling me yes, jump! and my head is telling me I don't know if that will be a good thing to do for myself...cuz he's got me so emotional messed
And can I trust him with my heart when he has been so careless with it.
What do you think I should do?
Yours very confused"
Thank you for writing to me... and your question.
Wow.... I get some long e mails sometimes... and your e mail reads like some kind of... "romantic horror movie"... script... or something.
We should get this to Steven Soderbergh to direct... the moment you walk into the house... and see the SHRINE to his ex-girlfriend... lots of shrieking violins... and him standing there blubbering... excited to show you his home... and mumbling... "Oh, she's just a friend."
OK... joking aside.... a couple quick things:
1. Get the hell out.
2. Get the hell out.
3. Get the hell out.
Listen to your head here.
The heart is not always your best guide... sometimes we let ourselves be... "victims of love”... and the fantasy of romance... when we should be focusing on what is right in front of your face... I spend a lot of time telling women to chill out because they are making mountains out of mole hills.
"Ange! I FOUND A PICTURE OF MY EX WITH HIS EX GIRLFRIEND AT DISNEYLAND 7 YEARS AGO! HE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER! HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!"
And in this case you are making a mole hill out of the freaking Death Star... the film... "PSYCHO"... just happens to spring into my mind at this moment... you do not need to be shown the... "red flags"... he is THE RED FLAG!
Of COURSE you do not trust him.
Of COURSE you feel jealous.
Of COURSE you feel disrespected.
Because he is in love with his ex... and may have some emotional problems beyond that.. and you are always going to come after her in his mind... and his heart.
Love can make you blind very BLIND... open your eyes.
One thing I do want to point out is the victim language in your email... "he's making me this"... nobody can... "make"... you anything... even if they are pointing a gun at your head you still have a choice!
They do what they do..... you react how you react... this guy is acting badly... no doubt... and you can choose how you react to it.... keep your self respect... do not give him the power to... "make"... you miserable... even have empathy for him... he is obviously messed up over this woman... and you are not there to be his Mum... or to pick up the pieces of his heart.
I am going to say this loud... and clear Jennifer... DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!
You go back to him... you are going to end up in a very messed up place.
This guy needs some serious Therapy.
You have my answer Jennifer... DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!
So let us move on with the next question...
QUESTION... Maya asks me...
"How Can I tell if he is the one? I met a man who I really like. I love spending time with him. I think I might love him. But I'm not sure if he's THE ONE. What do I do?"
Thank you for your e mail and your question...
Before I answer your question let me share with you a little story...
I... not to long ago spent the weekend out in the woods at a wedding of two good friends of mine... actually I have known the woman longer... let us call her Ellen... and when the man... let us call him Jim... first showed up I was kind of distant... and cold to him.
See... I had seen Ellen go through man after man like they were going out of fashion.
Ellen is head strong... organized... loves to travel... takes no crap from no anyone... and I had seen her chew through guys like a tiger through steak for years... man after man would show up... they would court for a week... or a month... and then she would toss him aside....
"Nope, not quite right."
She would say while picking the bits of freshly chewed up guy from her teeth... I was not sure Ellen would ever find what she was looking for... and then she met Jim... when I first met Jim I was kind of hard on him... I joked about not wanting to learn his name until he had been around for at least a couple of months... him... and Ellen just melded together like clay... they loved hanging out together... they liked doing the same things... he had no trouble putting up with her crazy... manic drive... and need to organize everything... and they both wanted the same things.
Note this is one of the things I often write about that is crucial for building a great relationship... shared values... shared interests... and shared goals in life... and they ended up getting married... now... back to your question.
1. There is no... "the one"... personally I find the whole concept of ..."the one"... soul mates... and twin flames as a stupid... and kind of noxious... ridiculous... and dangerous... there are almost 3.5 BILLION men on this planet... and the idea that there is only ONE person on this whole planet who you could be happy with is CRAZY... and incredibly depressing.
Really there is THOUSANDS of men out there who if you met in the right situation you could be REALLY happy with... and there is thousands of others who would grate on you like fingernails on a chalk board.
2. Spending all your time worrying about whether a man is... "the one"... is a great way to let life pass you by... to push good men away... and give bad men a chance to use you... and abuse you... to end up old... bitter... and alone.
So let us get to the REAL question you are asking me...
Is this a man I should invest in?
Is this a man I should commit to?
Is this a man I should think of as a long term partner who I will love... and adore... fight with... go crazy with... and grow old with?"
And of course... I do not know because I do not know you... and I do not know the man... and here is a couple quick guidelines...
1. Do you LIKE the man.
Yeah... I know there is the chemistry... your heart bursts like a watermelon when you are near him... yet do you actually LIKE him?
When it comes to a long term relationship... chemistry... love is not really enough... you need to actually LIKE him too... is he your BEST FRIEND?
2. Do you RESPECT the man?
Do you respect who he is as a person?
Are you proud of what he has accomplished in his life?
Does he have integrity?
3. Do you have FUN together?
If you are fighting all the time now... you are going to be fighting all the time later too... my parents fell into this trap.
4. Do you want the same things in your life?
What makes Jim... and Ellen work so well together is they want EXACTLY the same things.
Travel... Photography... Kids... they agree 100% on the BIG stuff.
Now... this is a WAY bigger topic than I can really cover here... and it is a place to start.
Let go of... "the one"... and find someone who loves you for you... who smiles when they see you walk into a room... who makes you feel wonderful when he has you in his arms … who pushes you to be the best you can be... who laughs at your flaws... celebrates your strengths... and who wants the same future you do.
And now to the last question for this issue...
QUESTION... Sara asks me...
"Ange, I have two questions that are a result of current events in my life.
#1: Why do women continue to stay married to men who are chronic players/cheaters?
#2: Should I tell my friend that her chronic players/cheater has done it again?"
Thank you for you e mail... and your question.
Great question Sara... and one I can answer simply.
In answer to question 1.
Low self esteem... fear of not being able to make it on her own... being a... "love victim"... who thinks loving someone means letting them destroy you... money... kids... not wanting to be a... "failure"... religious beliefs that say you stay with someone no matter what... maybe he is a great father... a million reasons under the sun.
In answer to question 2.
Here is a really easy way to figure that one out... if your situation were reversed would you want your friend to tell you?
For all you know she already knows all about it... and it is really not your job to police their relationship... and if you think the wool is being pulled over her eyes... sit her down... tell her some upsetting news... and realize that it may well blow up in your face.
It is something you yourself will have to figure out Sara.
Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!
And that wraps up this issue of Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Questions.
Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you.
Average men and women know only the rules.
Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!
For Love and Intimacy...
Your Questions And Inquiries...
If you would like to send me an e mail about a problem you are experiencing that I can answer... it will enable me to write a helpful response much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format... as you can imagine... I am a busy Man... so here are the guidelines...
1. Your question must be no more than 3-4 paragraphs... please.
2. Get as specific as you can... and to the point... the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation.
3. You will not abuse my trust in you... as I will not abuse your trust in me.
4. You will not send customer support emails and spam to my contact email... if you do that you will not get a response and I will probably have to stop being so open with my time and providing a FREE advice service.
Seriously. I want to help you... and to do that I need you to respect ME... and MY time as much as I respect yours... and allow 3 - 7 days for me to get back to you.
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Posted by ANGE FONCE. Posted In : DATING, RELATIONSHIP & SEX Questions